I am signing off :)

He was my life, my world, my one great love.  I love him so much, I think I love him more than I love myself.  In the process of loving him, I forgot to respect myself; little did I know I am starting to lose myself in the course of loving him.  He is one person I can talk anything about; he tirelessly listens to all my non-sense stories.  I thought everything is A okay but as they say not all stories end up happily ever after. I thought I was happy with him then I realized I was only happy with the idea that I was with him, that he was mine. But the truth is he was never mine, never. I gave up on him; it was a long journey I had to go through.   I made sure I am ready to lose him.  I know losing him during that point means losing him forever. I don’t know how I will start my life without him.  It was never easy, so many relapses.  Just by hearing his name makes me go back to him.  Not having him around and not hearing his voice were the worst days of life.  Every day is just another day.  I did not look forward for tomorrow because I built my life with him and then this happened.  There were days I feel like going back but then again I will tell myself that, Jen there is no turning back. Move forward.  Every day I tell myself that, but for so long I have not moved even a single step.  He never knew I love him this much.  I know I also have my flaws, I may love him so much but I was not able to show him that.  What I showed him was not 100%.  I was holding back because I was afraid I will get hurt.  Yes I know, I have a very huge contribution why everything has to end up this way.

But God is great; I know He is writing another lovestory for me.  I mean he is drafting it already. When it comes, I know I am ready.  If it did not work out with him, my one great love, He will give me my one true love. 

For the last time I am saying I love you and I miss you so much.  HE knows how much I miss your stories, smile and laughter. Thank you for all the beautiful memories.   Now I am finally letting go.  My journey with you is worth all the pain I had.  No regrets in loving you.  I charged everything to experience.  This is Jen, signing off with my one great love.  I welcome my future one true love J

A better person than I am today..

I had one of the lowest points of my life last Sunday. I feel betrayed but I can't do anything about it but to say okay lang lahat.  Wala naman kasi ako karapatan umarte sa sitwasyon na un.   Lahat na lang ng tao na importante sa akin nawawala.  I never wanted that to happen.  I always prefer somebody else's happiness than my happiness.  Ayoko sa nalulungkot, I feel mas marunong ako magdala  If I feel depress. I was a bit emotional yesterday.  I was really crying, I feel like I was the sacrificial lamb.  But that is based from my own perspective.  Masakit, mahirap when somebody made you feel important and special then unti unti nawawala just because somebody is so selfish and childish. In time masasanay din ako, just no expectations.  Sooner or later, I will be numbed to this kind of feeling, it happened before so I know I will bounce back.  A better person than I am today.a

A better person than I am today..

I had one of the lowest points of my life last Sunday. I feel betrayed but I can't do anything about it but to say okay lang lahat.  Wala naman kasi ako karapatan umarte sa sitwasyon na un.   Lahat na lang ng tao na importante sa akin nawawala.  I never wanted that to happen.  I always prefer somebody else's happiness than my happiness.  Ayoko sa nalulungkot, I feel mas marunong ako magdala  If I feel depress. I was a bit emotional yesterday.  I was really crying, I feel like I was the sacrificial lamb.  But that is based from my own perspective.  Masakit, mahirap when somebody made you feel important and special then unti unti nawawala just because somebody is so selfish and childish. In time masasanay din ako, just no expectations.  Sooner or later, I will be numbed to this kind of feeling, it happened before so I know I will bounce back.  A better person than I am today.a

MY ANGEL, MY SOULMATE

In one’s life, it’s hard to find somebody who understands everything about you, who tries to understand things that are silly about you, kagagahan in short.  It’s close to impossible to find that very special person who will make you feel special too.  Someone whom you can share your secrets and be at peace that those will remain secrets. Someone who will do the things that you hate to do, who will always think of your happiness first before his own happiness.  Someone you can talk with from midnight till dawn and still have topics and issues to talk about.  It’s seems impossible to find this person, but God has been so kind and generous that He gave me you, MY ANGEL, MY SOULMATE.  I don’t consider myself as lucky to have found you rather I am so blessed to have you.  

Life is so much different without you, when I am with you I am at peace.   Every problem has a solution; I can be stupid in front of you.  I can tell you how bad my day was, how this person irritates me, how lonely and sad life has been without you know who.  Thank you for your time. You make me laugh.  You make me happy.  

I must admit there are times I want to give up on you because of alam mo na un.  I won’t elaborate on that.  But since we are not doing anything wrong, bakit ko hahayaan na masira ang napakagandang samahan natin. It’s like you are already a habit, habit na that we text each other every night.  Mahirap pag nawala ka.  I cannot stand another lost.  Baka hindi  ko na kayanin brad na mawalan ng kaibigan na tulad mo. I’m so afraid na maapektuhan ang friendship natin sa nangyayari, please do not make me feel na mawawala ka sa kin.  Sino na ang magpapasaya sa kin pag malungkot ako, pag emo mode ako?  Sino ang magprepare ng pag paotsin ang food natin? Kasama ko manood ng pranks, flip top? Magturo ng mga bagay na hindi ko kaya? Brad we have encountered a lot.  May masaya, malungkot, nakakaaliw, nakakainis, mga problema. I hope that our journey will be forever.  We will be friends forever, sana di talaga maapektuhan ang friendship natin brad.  You know I care for you.  I want to tell you I appreciate everything that you do for me.  That you have a very special space in my heart na walang wala makakapalit. Marami pa tayo pwede gawin, sana magawa natin lahat lahat ng plans natin.  I want you to read this short I dont know what to call it.  It is suppose to be a poem.  I promise aayusin ko pa yan.  You know I love you brad :)

I wish to tell you

How special you are in my life

That  I want to  take care of you

You are very important to me

I am so happy when you are around

That every time I’m with you

All I do is smile and laugh

That I am safe no matter what

I always want to be there

When you need someone to talk to

When you are undergoing tough times

When you hate everyone around you

When all you want to do is cry

When you just don’t know what to do

When it seems things are not going

The way you want those to be

When you just want to scream

Because of the pain you feel

To guide your way when you stumble

To light your path when all seems dark

I want to be with you 

To watch when the rain pours

To see the rainbow after the rain

To see how flowers bloom

To look at how a cocoon turns into a beautiful butterfly

To peak at how birds go freely

Please stay with me and let our friendship be forever

Love me or hate me ^_^

I consider criticisms as eye-opener for me. I am imperfect. I have lots of flaws like you reading this blog.  There are times, it takes me to silence because I have done somebody wrong. I am not here to please everybody.  I am here to live my life and if you want to be part of it, you are very much welcome.

People think of me as mataray, masungit, unsociable.  That’s true, I am. I prefer a small group; I am not comfortable with social events, parties or gatherings. Ironic because I am talkative, opinionated and outspoken.  I love to talk and to read.  I remember when I was in college; I used to read all the broadsheets in the school library.  Now, thanks to the internet, I can check news from politics, environment, social issues, sports and even showbiz. I am so opinionated and outspoken to the point that I am now trying to control it for there are times my opinions do not matter. One of the things I have been trying to fine-tune is my listening skill.  I am not a good listener because I tend to talk a lot and I lose focus easily.  

I have a problem, its building trust.  I find it hard to trust people. Now, I am still on the process of little by little opening a part of me.  Writing has always been a part of my journey.  If I am happy, I write.  If I am sad, I write.  When it comes to personal issues, I’d rather write than talk about it.  Ironic? Yes it is.  My personal space cannot be invaded easily.

If somebody will ask how I am right now.  My answer is, sakto lang.  I am not happy but I am not sad.  It does not mean that I am not thankful with all the blessings the Lord has been showering me.  I am thankful I have my family, I have a job, I have my friends.  My nanay and tatay are the best parents in the world providing and doing everything for their children.  I have a career that challenges me, requiring me to learn and adjust to new things.  I am blessed that I work with the best people.  Now, I will enroll to obtain my master’s degree.  It’s for my personal growth.   My friends are just few, but I know I can count on them if worse comes to worst.

I stopped learning when I encountered a personal problem.  I became depressed for quite some time but nobody noticed it.  I was wearing a mask back then. I laugh because I need to laugh and not because I want to laugh.   During that period, tinamad ako mabuhay, tinamad ako matuto ng bago.  Everyday was just another day.  I let the days passed not doing or accomplishing anything.  I try to tell myself I am okay but I was not.  My heart was bleeding with sadness.  I do not understand why those things are happening.  Asking me now, I am still on the process of breaking it down.  I still pray for that perfect timing.  I want to enjoy life!

I am impulsive when it comes to decisions.  If I want a new a hair cut, I want it done at the end of the day.  If I want to but something, I’ll buy it.  If I crave for something I need to eat it right away.  But these are simple things; I have a decision I made that still haunts me.  I have not yet forgiven myself for that decision.  That was the best and worst days of my life.

I am a simple person.  Maarte sabi nila, sabi ko naman oo nga.  I know some don’t like the way I talk and I don’t care. I love to eat, they say I am picky with foods.  I don’t like fish.  I love super love colas.  I am not a fan of ice cream and chocolates but I love this certain drink called chocolait and yakult also.  I don’t eat a lot but I eat every two or three hours.  I love smart talks.  I used to watch basketball games, now I don’t have the time for it because I am into watching movies right now.  I watch romantic and comedy movies but big no to horror films.  I cry with sad movies.  I cried when I watched I am Sam and The Notebook. 

 

It does not sadden me when somebody is pissed off because of my existence.  I know I cannot please everybody and I am not here to do that.  Maaring ikaw na nagbabasa nito, naging masungit na ako sayo, na nagtaray na ako sayo, na ipinaramdam ko ung hindi magandang paguugali.  I admit, I am a little bit insensitive, minsan hindi ko alam, I offended somebody because of what I said.  That is why, I prefer that friends tell me if I have done something wrong.  My friends are my mirror, they tell me if I have done something good and if I have done something wrong.  Like I said, criticisms are welcome.

This is me.  I am imperfect.  If you love me I thank you, If you hate me then so be it but if you are important to me, I will make amend.  Love me or hate me.

Until I get over you..

One night, I came across this particular song and I told myself that this is my story.  I am not ashamed to admit that I am still and will always be this in love with you.  I will never fall out of love maybe just maybe somebody will come this journey and I will love him with more intensity the way I loved you.

Every word from this song says about what I am going through right now, it seems it was written for me.  

I would always wake up  thinking about you.  A question that constantly pops on my mind is that how will you spend the day? Will you be busy as I wish I will be to stop my mind thinking of you? That I have survived another night.  I pray for you every night, I am not with you physically but every bit of me thinks of you.  I have dreamt of you a lot of times and I would woke up always smiling because I want that to happen every night.  In my dreams every thing impossible may happen but they will never come true.  My soul shouts your name, its still you and  just by hearing your name makes me go back to the best months of my life.  Those were the months we shared stories, laughter, dreams...everything...

I still can't find myself after losing you.  I thought giving you up was the right thing to do because when I was with you I lost myself, yeah I lost myself in the process of loving you.  It was not right, It was against my principles and to find myself I gave you up not knowing that losing you is not the proper thing to do because until now I wake up not knowing when and how I will be able to get over you.

It is still an everyday battle.  Your memories still haunt me.  I can still remember every word you said.  I still long to hear your voice and laughter and giggles.  Its been more than a year but the pain is still the same since the first day.  

I wonder when the longing will stop.. Will I be numb to the pain? Will I just get used to it?  Will I ever move on?  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_jZZlWr0UI

UNTIL I GET OVER YOU

Woke up today thinking of you
Another night that I made my way through
So many dreams still left in my mind
But they can never come true
I press rewind and remember when
I close my eyes and I'm with you again
But in the end I can still feel the pain, every time I hear your name

[Chorus]
The sun won't shine since you went away
Seems like the rain's falling every day
There's just one heart, where there once was two
But that's the way it's gotta be,
'til I get over you

[Verse 2]
Walked through the park, in the evening air
I heard a voice and I thought you were there
I run away but I just can't escape
Memories of you everywhere
They say that time will dry the tears
But true love burns for a thousand years
Give my tomorrows for one yesterday
Just to know that I could have you here

[Bridge]
When will this river of tears stop fallin'
Where can I run so I won't feel alone
Can't walk away when the pain keeps callin'
I've just gotta take it from here on my own
But it's so hard to let go